What Was I Thinking?
by Jamie Love
Summary: A small collection of short stories that my friends somehow talked me into writing. Rated for sick humor. Please dont kill me when you read it!
1. Itch

A/N: Okay, I got really bored while talking to my friend, so I asked her for some ideas for a new fic. She's really weird, so this is what we came up with.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, and I'm not making any money.

Warnings: Okay, my friend is really really really odd, so this has absolutely no plot and is completely sick humor.

**1. Itch**

"Rain drops are falling on my head…I had a little cat with the sun. I told him I didn't like what he had done. Raindrops keep falling on my head. Just like the guy who's feet are too big for his bed. Nothing seems to sit, and…Raindrops are falling on my head! Something something falling…" Captain Holly Short sang off tune as she walked along the LEP corridor towards her cubicle. She was in a surprisingly good mood this morning. She just hoped that…

"SHORT! GET IN HERE!"

Oh well. She straightened her uniform, and walked into Commander Root's office.

Root was standing in the middle of his office. Behind him was a pile of discarded items; a gnome bobble head toy, a stapler, a giant paperclip, a framed picture, his triple acorn badge, and a calculator. As she watched, he snatched a bottle of water from his desk and rubbed it against his behind, then threw it at the other items on the floor.

She blinked several times. "Um…Commander?"

He looked up at her, clutching his rear. "There you are. Captain Short. Holly, my butt itches. I need you to scratch it."

She blinked several more times, her mouth hanging open. "You want me to…"

"Yes Holly, I want you to scratch my butt."

"…"

"So, will you scratch it?"

She smacked him hard across the face, making him fall backwards into his desk. She turned and stormed out of the room, her face as red as his had ever been.

**A/N: More sick, twisted, plotless mini-stories to come. Review and please don't kill me.**


	2. Cabbage

A/N: Okay, my crazy friend helped with this one again. Its just as weird and scary. Only this time there was a bit of a mix-up. See, when we were talking, she was also talking to her cat, Tobbi. So its extra weird.

Disclaimer: Own nothing since there is no plot.

**2. Cabbage**

Mulch sat in his prison cell, clutching a rather large, glowing, cabbage. He had to be careful, because it was filled with acid.

Trouble Kelp stood outside Mulch's cell. He had been standing there for many hours and was very hungry. He clutched his stomach and looked in at Mulch. He spotted the cabbage and licked his lips hungrily.

Mulch looked up at him, waiting for him to leave. The minute he did, he could escape by throwing the cabbage at the cell wall.

Trouble opened the cell door and stepped inside. "Erm…I'm going to have to confiscate your cabbage." He said, trying to sound professional.

Mulch shook his head. "No. You cant. I was told I could keep it."

Trouble blinked. "Yeah? Well…" He grabbed the cabbage and stuffed it into his mouth.

Mulch jumped to his feet. "NO! DON'T DO THAT!"

Trouble laughed mockingly, then gagged and started screaming shrilly. He dropped to the ground, writhing in pain.

Mulch watched him for a few moments, then turned and skipped out of the open cell door.

A few hours later, Corporal Lili Frond walked into the cell and saw the remains of Trouble Kelp. She bent down and touched a manicured nail into a pool of greenish-red liquid. She pulled it out, and then went running out of the cell, screaming.

"HELP! HELP!"

Holly Short ran out of her cubicle and grabbed Lili by the shoulders. "Frond, whats the matter?"

"I…I…"

"WHAT?"

Lili took a few breaths. "I…I broke a nail!" She sobbed.

Holly blinked, then turned and walked back to her cubicle.

**A/N: Review and please don't kill me.**


	3. Pillows

**A/N: Okay, this one Cabbage Girl, or Lee, helped with again. So it's just as weird, if not more so. So I'm just gonna close my eyes and prey that no one hurts me.**

**Disclaimer: If I did own Arty or any one else, I would no longer be alive.**

**3. Pillows**

Opal was curled in her HoverBoy, purring at the sight of the vast amount of pillows in front of her. She was in a giant, deserted pillow factory in Central Wisconsin, and all that was there were millions of pillows. Some had not yet been stuffed and some had been carelessly thrown in a corner. Most were in a large neat pile. But these were not just any ordinary pillows. These pillows had tiny bits of Fairy Rubber inside them instead of feathery down. Fairy Rubber was not like the human brand. It was a ten times as stretchy and a hundred times as bouncy. And extremely uncomfortable.

"At last." She purred. "I will have my revenge!"

Suddenly the door banged open and Foaly galloped in. "Opal! No! Don't do it! Wait-where are we?"

"Why, we're in a pillow factory, you stupid centaur. And I will have my revenge."

Foaly frowned. "What's your plan, Opal?"

She smirked. "I'll tell you. You see humans are like fairies in some ways. For instance, they need comfortable pillows to get to sleep. I will sell off these pillows, which are filled with fairy rubber. The humans will not be able to sleep. They will become tired and therefore grouchy. Then, they will want revenge on who sold them the pillows. I will tell them that it was the LEP, an organization of fairies beneath the earth. They will find the LEP, and name me queen! And there's nothing you can do about it!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Foaly.

"YEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!" Screamed Opal.

Foaly stopped screaming. "Um…Opal?"

"Why, yes, Foaly?"

"That plan doesn't make any sense."

Opal thought about it for a few moments, then cackled. "Well, the author of this fic is a moron and so is her friend, so we don't have a choice. Now, hail me! Mwuahahahaha!"

Foaly blinked. "You know Opal, what if we didn't do what the author or her friend says? What if we just did something completely different? We could…"

At this point, the author and her friend became outraged and threw Foaly out the window of the factory.

Opal gave a wicked laugh. "VICTORY IS MINE! MWUAHAHAHAHA!"

The author's friend then became jealous of Opal and threw her out the window too.

Holly ran into the factory. "Koboi! You will not-hey, what happened to Koboi?"

"This." The author threw Holly out of the window as well. The author and her friend looked at each other and walked away.

A/N: _…_

**Lee's Note: I had my mind on knitting when we wrote this, so I'm sorry for the weirdness of it. Please review. Oh, and if you don't mind, please call an ambulance for my friend, the author. She seems to have gone into shock. Hee Hee Hee…I-I mean, how terrible! Review!**


	4. Intoxicated

**A/N: Okay, after a long stay in mental clinic, I am up and ready to update. Thank you to who gave us the idea for this chappie. Also, I was thinking, why on earth have I been keeping this at PG level? It's a T rated fic! Therefore, I'm taking this lovely chapter to PG-13. Also, I wanted to try a different type of format. You'll see what I mean in a moment. So just sit back-Toast, put that pitchfork away! -And enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: None of us own anything. If we did, we'd all be in jail by now.**

**4.Intoxicated**

Artemis: _stumbles into class and looks around_ they've found me. I ave to leave the country.

Teacher: Have you been drinking?

Artemis: _hides whisky bottle_ Noooooooooooooooooo.

Teacher: Well, we do have a test today.

Artemis: I KNOW! And I was so looking forward to taking it. But, I must leave the county. _Stumbles out of class_

Teacher: Finally! I'm rid of him!

-Five minutes later-

Artemis: _Falls into car_ Go, Butler, go!

Butler: Artemis, your drunk.

Artemis: Yep. I em. Now go! _Gulps down whisky_

Butler: Starts driving

Artemis: _Looks at Butler and takes another gulp_ Yah know Bulter, I neva noticed 'ow manly ya are. _Purrs_

Butler: Umm…that's very…nice of you to say…Artemis.

Artemis: Yah know Bulter, meh burthdey es comin' up soon _Winks_

Butler: _Shudders_ Artemis, how much whisky have you had?

Artemis: Umm…Three.

Butler: Three glasses?

Artemis: No, you hot stood, you! Three boatels. _Gulps whisky_

Butler: Maybe you should lay off the whisky.

Artemis: Kiss me, Bulter.

Butler: That's very…uh…flattering, Artemis. But…I'm not gay. Plus you're my employer.

Artemis: Then I order you to kiss me!

Butler: Uhh…No! _Starts sweating_

Artemis: Yar right. M'sorry.

Butler: _Sighs in relief_

Artemis: Lets make love instead!

Butler: _Jumps out of the car and runs away screaming_

Artemis:-_censored_- tease!

Holly: Artemis, I just realized I'm desperately in love with you!

Artemis: Well, I don' cur!

Holly: But I love you! _Kisses him passionately_ Artemis, your drunk.

Artemis: Pess off!

Holly: _Bursts into tears_ Artemis, you have a problem.

Artemis: Yah know wa? I don' car! Ples I 'ate you.

Holly: _Runs away sobbing_

Artemis: Bitch.

**A/N: I am so sorry about this! Why of why did I let you idiots talk me into this? (Runs away to write Arty/Holly stories)**

**Lee's Note: Hey, don't her Dad and Grandmother read this stuff?**

**Toast's Note: You know, she's a real Arty/Holly shipper. We need to do something about that. (Sharpens pitchfork) we'll have her update when she gets out of the hospital. Oh, and review!**


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